My Biggest Flaw

February 19, 2019

My biggest flaw is that when something is important to me, I focus more on the reasons it won’t happen than the reasons it will happen.

This pattern shows up for me in the pursuit of love. It’s indicative of the fear everyone shares: that they won’t be loved.

My fear that I won’t be loved is compounded with thoughts and experiences that people I want an intimate relationship with, will be or have been hurt by others. For example, I’ll have thoughts like:

  • If I approach her, others will pretend to accidentally interrupt, and therefore the conversation won’t go anywhere.
  • If we connect, people will react and call her derogatory names, start gossiping, become resentful, jealous, annoyed, or another manner of other negative responses.
  • If we pursue a relationship, her friends will make assumptions and interpretations that are based on their experiences, beliefs, and what they want, and using their advantage as her friend, will interpret things in ways that ultimately lead to an end of the relationship.

There are terms for this, such as “All’s Fair in Love and War”, jealousy, or gossiping. Really, it boils down to having a fear that one won’t be loved and then tearing people down in the process.

I do take responsibility for this flaw, while acknowledging the influences that conditioned me into it. I had negative influences as a kid, inside and outside the family, like most kids. However, I didn’t have the tools, skills, and experience, to change it.

As an adult, I do have the tools to change it, but lack (as for now) the beliefs and evidence that the efforts will, or at least could, bring about the results I want. That result being: having more confidence and faith that the things I do want to happen, will happen.

Some people say positive thinking is the key. I’ve been there, and while it helps just a bit, it’s nowhere near as helpful as proof.

I do like feeling important, and this isn’t a cry for help, or to say that I’m lacking confidence with women. On the contrary, I have great confidence with women when I’m one-on-one. It’s social situations, where people can have an immediate reaction to my interactions with a woman, that this flaw crops up. (Looking back, I’ve always had confidence with women, just not people taking love away from me.)

Despite this flaw, I’ve done well in my career, education, and helping others. Lots of people love me for the things I’ve done for them, and they’re my friends and family; I love them too.

I feel I have much love to offer, and this flaw has brought me great spiritual and emotional pain. The pain hits me so hard that I focus on that and take less action to correct course, which furthers the pattern.