Sergeant Surgeon

While many call us miracle workers, we'd rather be called 'Doctor', and preferably not before 6am, because we haven't slept in weeks.

Heart Surgery

If you ever feel your heart skipping a beat... or ten, your may just need a surgeon to dive in there and fix it for you.

Well, not exactly dive in there - that would be dangerous! More like run a few tests, a few incisions, and a few sandwich breaks.

Our World-Class Surgeons are the best in the world:

  • All College Educated
  • Annual Eye Exams
  • Great Sense of Humor

...and at least one is a ventriloquist.

DNA Transplant

Incredible breakthroughs and advances in biotechnology allow us to Transplant DNA!

Yes, you read that correctly: transplant DNA. Forget transplanting your heart, your brain, or any other body part - we'll just take the DNA of a healthy person and give it to you!*

* With their permission, of course.

How it Works

DNA Transplanting requires the use of two hosts, connected through a series of tubes, wires, rods, and branding irons sutures.

Patients are knocked out guided into a blissful nap, while the DNA Transplant Specialist (Steve Jr.) works his magic.

Disclaimer: We don't know how Steve Jr. performs his magic, but hey, it works!

At the end of the surgery (hopefully you wake up), you'll return to the world a new you! You won't even notice a difference, because your DNA would've been swapped with that of another person, completely altering both of you, memory included.

No, we do not just swap you and the patient between beds. We would never do that. Ever. Never.

Location

Our offices are always ready for the most turbulent of treatments, with the greatest of care available on the market.

Sergeant Surgeon
Surgery Ward
12345 W. Madison Ave
Someplacevilles, AZ 85995

Appointments... who needs appointments? Just stroll on in with that heart attack and we'll take care of you when you really need it. After a couple decades without exercise and eating poorly. We'll be here for you.